


Answering Machines: Arda Style

by CrystalNavy



Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Crack, Humor, Parody, answering machine
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:06:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23845687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrystalNavy/pseuds/CrystalNavy
Summary: What if the inhabitants of Arda (First Age till Fourth Age) had answering machines? Parody.Only the most prominent characters would be used.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 19





	1. Eru and the Valar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eru and the Valar have some....interesting....things to say.

"Hello. You have reached Eru. Unfortunately, I am too busy overseeing the universe and chatting with Tom Bombadil. Please leave a message after the beep and I'll answer whenever I can. *beep*

"Hello. This is Manwe, Eru's second-eldest son and Lord of the Eagles. Unfortunately, my elder brother fell out of father's favor due to his....questionable interests. If you have a message for me or are an on an urgent quest to rescue your friend/boyfriend/brother/offspring, leave the message after the beep and I'll send one or more of my Eagles to help you. Unfortunately, whoever you're rescuing may or may not be maimed in the process. *beep*

"Hello. This is Varda. All is well. Leave the message after the beep. *beep*

"Hello. You have reached Namo, though I prefer being called Mandos. I am Lord of the Dead. Unfortunately, at the time I wrote this, I only have Miriel in my Halls, aside from my wife of course. I suspect that more would be coming soon, though. If you're my wife/brother/sister/sister-in-law/Miriel, leave the message after the beep and I'll get back to you shortly. To everyone else that might be in my Halls in the future, screw you. *beep*

"You have reached Irmo, Namo's younger brother and Lord of Healing. I go by Lorien these days. If you are my brother/wife/sister/sister-in-law, leave the message after the beep and I'll get back to you shortly. Come to my gardens if you're in need of healing. The more the merrier. :D *beep*

"Hello, this is Nienna, Lady of Mourning and Pity. If you're one of my brothers/sisters-in-law/any child of Hurin Thalion/Morwen, leave the message after the beep and I'll do my best to help you out. No, Melkor, not you. I said Morwen, not Morgoth. Do not confuse the two. Even I am not blind to the true nature of your soul anymore. *beep*

"You've reached Aule Mahal, the patron God of metalworking and Dwarves. If you're my wife/any of my apprentices/any Dwarf, leave the message after the beep and I'll get back to you at the earliest convenience. Feanor, don't chase after the retreating armies. Sauron, no swiping. Saruman, don't look into Palantirs too much, it isn't healthy. *beep*

"You've reached Yavanna Kementari, a certified tree hugger. If you're my husband, I've got Ents. If you're Feanor, we're gonna have words.....as soon as you're reincarnated. If Eru is just, he'll reincarnate you as a mule. Everyone else, leave the message after the beep and I'll get back to you ASAP. *beep*

"This is Orome. If you're Celegorm, come to the woods. I have a special gift for you. If you're my wife, your singing is lovely. Please don't think I'm cheating on you with Celegorm. We're merely a teacher and an apprentice....yeah....we are. Everyone else, leave the message after the beep and I'll get back to you shortly. *beep*

"You've reached Ulmo, the loner. If you're Tuor, come to the sea. A special mission awaits you. If you're Turin, destroy that bridge. Now. I mean it. If you're Maeglin, I am keeping an eye on you, scoundrel. If you're Goldberry, new water-lilies have grown at the pond. To everyone else, leave the message after the beep and I'll answer shortly. *beep*

"You're reached Melkor, Lord of Chaos. If you're Sauron, that dress looks lovely on you. Really brings out your eyes and stuff. If you're one of my minions, get off of your lazy asses and do something. You're woefully ineffectual. If you're Saruman, come over and we can discuss stuff. If you're Maeglin, sorry. We really wanted to include you in our threesome. *sad face* If you're Ar-Pharazon, I appreciate your worship of me. After all, everyone knows I am the best. Finally, to all my enemies: RAWWWWWWRRRRR! *beep*


	2. The Maiar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Maiar are....eccentric.

"Hi, Melian here. If you're a member of my (rather large) family, then I love you. (And yes, this applies to you as well, Turin). Everyone else, please leave the message after the beep." *beep*

"You've reached Olorin. I go by many names that I can't really keep track of, but my favorite is Gandalf. I am a pyrotechnic specialist with a taste for Longbottom leaf in particular. To anyone that grows it, deliver it to my address (22 Hobbit Valley, Valinor, in case you were wondering). My landlord is a riot. Please, indulge both of us. Otherwise, leave a message after the beep." *beep*

"This is Sauron. _And Saruman._ Quit hijacking my limbo spot, Curunir. _Nuh-uh._ I am stronger than you, Curunir. _For sure, but I have something you don't._ Like what? _My many colors._ .....Just leave the message after the beep. *beep*


	3. The House of Finwe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's better than messages? Messages with DRAMA.

"Finwe here. I like parties. And Valar. And my two wives. And Valar. And all of my children. And Valar. Did I mention I like the Valar? *pause* Anyway, my favorite is Curufinwe, which means 'skilled Finwe' aka Feanor. His mother named him that. Don't ask me why. Possibly because he self-immolated in spontaneous combustion. That's how it goes. We're chilling together here now, with Miriel and Elenwe and of course, Namo and Vaire. Namo is kinda creepy. Asks me all sorts of questions about my eldest. I think he has a crush on Feanor. *pause* Now, where was I? Oh, yeah, leave a message after the beep." *beep*

"Feanor here. I am in Halls of Mandos with my dad, and mom, and niece-in-law. Or is she that? What do you even call someone who was married to your half-brother's son? Anyway, Fingolfin is a real pain in the butt. He was supposed to turn back, not press on like an idiot. *annoyed noises* Also, I hate you and your mother and your siblings and your entire family. Fingon and Aredhel are exceptions because they're friends with my sons. Galadriel is also an exception because I love her hair. Also, dad embellished my death, made it more heroic and all. In truth, I tripped and fell into a fire that I made myself. Leave a message after a beep." *beep*

"This is Indis. I feel lonely without my husband and children. Being the only living member of the House of Finwe aside from Finarfin sucks. Personally, I blame my stepson, as everyone should. If it weren't for his hot-headed antics, the Noldor wouldn't have been doomed. No offense, Miriel. As you probably figured out, my close friend and my stepson's biological mother is reading over my shoulder. She thinks I am overly critical. *pause* She says it's because I am. Personally, I think I am not. Have you seen what that no-good Elf did? He left us there to huddle in darkness while he went on to commit mass genocide, followed by the mass exodus. Oh well. Miriel is gearing up for an attack on my person. Gotta go! Leave the message after the beep!" *beep*

"Miriel here. Don't listen to Indis. She is a pretentious, glory-stealing, home-wrecking shrew. My son was right not to trust her and her ilk. I want her head between my buttocks.....to crush it, I mean. Yeah, that's it. I'll crush her head like an overripe melon.....between my buttocks. *blushes and fans herself covertly* Anyway, what she's saying about my son is patently untrue. My darling baby boy would never hurt a fly......He slaughtered lots of Teleri, you say? Nonsense. He wouldn't do that. He believes in progress, not mindless slaughter. *pause* Indis says that he cares only for himself and his family. That he didn't even mourn me after he learned that I died bringing him into the world. More lies, obviously. As if Indis could ever tell the truth. *scoffs* I want her head crushed into head juice by my buttocks...Leave a message after the beep." *beep*

"I am Findis. I am recording this along with Irime. We're unimportant. So unimportant. Leave the message after the beep and we'll reply never, because we're unimportant." *beep*

"I am Fingolfin, and I am on a mission. A mission to find Feanor. Then we can have one on one talk. Preferably with rocks. What do you mean he's dead? The Gods are laughing at me. Right, I'll just sit here on the shore of the lake and throw hateful glares at the camp on the other shore. Please leave a message after the beep and I'll try and get back to you promptly." *beep*

"Finarfin here. I am a peacemaker between my two volatile brothers. They are like two sticks of dynamite waiting to go off, I swear. Not anymore, though. I am sick of all kin-slaughtering and Feanor and Fingolfin acting like pompous asses. I am going back to my place. Peace out. Leave a message after the beep." *beep*


	4. House of Feanor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More family drama.

"Nerdanel here. My husband is drawing me up the wall. He is an irresponsible, self-centered [insert several other colorful epithets here] moron! Frankly, I am glad he's dead and will stay dead for a long time so I'd never have to see his stupid face again! Leave the message after the beep." *beep*

"Hi. You've reached Maedhros. I am chilling up here in Thangorodrim resort. The view here is spectacular, even if the accommodations are lacking. My wrist hurts, my hosts come by frequently to have a chat and the eagles are gawking. They are all secretly enjoying seeing me naked, I swear. Though, I have to say, dear Fingon, that the experience is much more tolerable when I close my eyes and pretend they are you. Nothing and no one shall keep us apart, my love. Anyway, the reception here is bad, so I won't be able to receive your messages. Leave one after the beep just in case." *beep*

"Maglor here. I have finally managed to acquire a decent phone in Rivendell after ages of wandering around, though Elrond refuses to let me out of his sight. He is awfully clingy, though I understand his reasoning. He is also monitoring my food intake and mumbling to himself about how skinny I am when he thinks I cannot hear. The woes of having a healer for a stepson, I think. He told me in no uncertain terms that I will be joining him on a trip to Valinor, even if he has to tie me up first. Should I be scared? Please leave the message after the beep." *beep*

"This is Celegorm. I am having trouble in the women department. First, I was in love with my cousin. A spunky sort, she was, and we had these friendly hunting competitions. She always won them, of course. But absence can destroy the strongest bonds, I think. For we were separated after the journey to Beleriand. She married a control freak who put her in a metaphorical chain. They had a kid to boot. He had his mother's eyes. Anyway, her no-good husband chucked a spear at their kid and she intercepted it with her body. As it turned out, the tip of the spear was poisoned and she died. Her brother disregarded her plea to spare her husband and killed him. I don't blame him. I would have done the same. I mean, who chucks a spear at their own kid and lets their wife die despite having information that could have saved her? My next attempt was with the exact opposite of her. A real beauty, though somewhat stubborn. And guess what? She too loved a rugged sort of man. I tried to tell her, to warn her, because I didn't want her to end up like Irisse. But did she listen? No. She even gave up her immortality to be with him, making her vulnerable to all sorts of things. I mean, the air here is literally poisoned by fumes of Angband. Help me. Leave advice after the beep. Any advice is appreciated." *beep*

"Caranthir speaking. Like Celegorm, I am having romantic troubles. There is this spunky Edain beauty who has guts. She reminds me of Ma. Long story short, one thing led to another and we fell in love with one another. Problem is that our marriages are supposed to be bonds for life and I am already married and my wife is still alive. Do you know any way I can divorce her so I can remarry? Leave your answer after the beep." *beep*

"Curufin here. How are you doing? I am doing good. I have a family that loves me, though I struggle with my conscience. Either I commit myself to the cause and spill some more blood or I will get swallowed by nothingness. Like some of my brothers, I want to let it go, but I shudder to think what will happen to my wife and child once I am swallowed by nothingness. Maybe I can commit suicide by Dior. Yeah, that's it. I'll taunt him and he'll kill me. Then I can at least say that I have tried. Leave a message after the beep." *beep*

"This is Amras. _I am actually Amrod, possessing Amras from time to time, like now. Don't tell him that, though. Being burnt alive is an unpleasant way to die. Trust me on this. Though I suspect he'll be joining me soon enough._ Leave the message after the beep." *beep*

"Celebrimbor speaking. I need your help! Urgently! I overheard Annatar and a hooded figure talking about how they'll kill me and use my body as a banner! Any suggestions where I can hide? Leave any suggestions after the beep." *beep*


End file.
